My recovery began in earnest early last year.  My marriage has been to
the point of breaking up many times over the years and we had even split
up twice.
  Something happened to me on the first anniversary of my fathers death. 
We went to a wedding of a good friend of mine, and I realized I needed
to get out of my swamp or die!  Simple as that !  I had been struggling
with the issues of past abuse, affairs, secrets and a very low self-
esteem tat all these compounded even more.
  I started slowly, by looking at my husband as a human being with
imperfections ,j just as I was, no better, no worse.  Just human, who
deserved to be loved for who he was.  It was difficult to love the
person and try to detach from those parts of him he was struggling with
himself. I didn't do it perfectly, I still don't, but I am aware and try 
to practice it.
  Our lines of communication soon opened up and at first it was sheer
will power that allowed me to sit and listen to some things I knew I
needed to hear, but didn't always WANT to hear.  I knew inside, it was
very necessary for me to feel whatever feelings talking and sharing
triggered, because I wanted to bring those lies to the surface and do
battle with them.  Many of my fears, were brought to the forefront and I
was now faced with " what do I do now? "  How do I deal with all this? 
How will I not die, because at times I really felt I would, and at other
times I WISHED  I would.  I was so damn tired. I had no idea where to
start to begin the tedious job of calling the lies by  name.
  I didn't have to wait long, my Higher Power took care of that for me.
  One night, lying in bed with my husband, after having some tremendous
pain triggered. I looked up and saw a shadowy light in a corner of my
room ( reflection maybe) , I heard a voice inside my head telling me "
everything you need to know is inside you ". I was overcome with an
electric current feeling, I started shaking, I felt like the world had
stopped for a few moments and it was just me and this voice.  I was
awed, and I was TERRIFIED!  I thought I  had finally gone over the edge,
that I had lost it.  As much as I tried to block out those words, they
would not go away.  The voice kept repeating it until a part of me
accepted it as a truth, an awareness deep inside of me, and a calm
returned to me.  I shared it with my husband asking him if I was going
crazy.  What did he do?  He hugged me and smiled.  Although he may not
have understood just what had happened, he accepted that it HAD happened
and helped me to see that it was ok to accept something that perhaps I
didn't understand at the time.
  I slept with a wonderful smile on my face that night.  I HAD my
starting point........ ME!
  That is the night I discovered my inner guide, my Higher Power, my
spirituality.  Without it, I would not have been able to find the
strength and courage I would need to start my journey of recovery and
move towards greater love.