Julie's Story

  One late night when I was 16, I was driving in L.A. and got stopped by a
patrol car. I knew I wasn't speeding or doing anything else wrong, and from
the moment I saw the red light in my rear view mirror, I had a horrible
feeling that something wasn't right. Anyway, an officer approached my car
and asked me to step out. I didn't dream of questioning authority and did
so. When I asked what him what the problem was, he muttered something that I
couldn't understand under his breath. Another officer from the patrol car
got out, and together they cuffed me and threw me in the back of their car.
  At that point I was so blown away that I'm not sure what was going through
my mind. I was in a very strange mental state for a few moments, utter and
total denial that something like this could be happening. A few seconds
later, which felt more like many minutes, they were both over me unbuttoning
their pants. I watched them closely unbutton their pants, feeling a cold
numbness come over me. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea if I screamed,
yelled, or talked at all. I don't think that I did. They both tore
vigorously at my pants... and I struggled physically quite a bit, but the
overwhelming feeling of helplessness when I realized that all the struggling
in the world wasn't going to get me anywhere, caused me to fall deep into a
state of cold  shock and dis-belief. I know now that those few moments were
only seconds, but the replay in my mind is much more like hours. I remember
the actual moment of penetration. I thought I'd die for sure. It hurt beyond
words. 
  I remember crying uncontrollably, wondering if I was dead or alive,
finally when the one got off of me, the other started. They were beating me
viciously with their fists, but it was as if I didn't feel it. All I could
feel was the disgusting horrible pain that came with each thrust. I
seriously wasn't sure if I had died yet. I thought that if I was indeed
alive, I wouldn't be for long. It was a mental state that is hard to
explain. Nothing that I had ever even knew my mind was capable of. Finally
when they were "done" with me, the first officer, who seemed to be the
leader of the two of them, took his gun and penetrated me with the barrel of
his gun. The look of shock on the face of his partner was enough for him to
pull it out without shooting me. Finally, they dumped me out of the car, and
within a very short time I was in a hospital. I later learned that they tore
out my uterus with their hands. I didn't know it when it was happening, but
I know that I felt it. I did nearly die, and often wonder why I didn't.
  
  The immediate feelings afterward were numbness and just being drained from
all emotions. That lasted for the first year or so. I kept myself busy with
prosecuting and putting them away where they belong. It's coming up on 5
years now and that is quite shocking to me. I pulled away from my family,
even though they were very supportive. I fall in and out of depression a
lot, but now am definitely on the road to recovery.
  
  Sex is a big issue for me. I was a virgin when this happend and couldn't
see why anyone would ever want have sex. The issue of rape being a sexual
crime is very interesting to me. I struggle with that thought a lot. It's
said that rape is about power and control, and that's very true, but it's
hard for me to hear someone say it's not about sex when it is of such an
intimate act. I don't know for sure what they wanted to gain from this. I
suppose that doesn't matter now. I haven't talked about my feelings with
many people and every so often, so putting it on paper like I am now, takes
a lot off of stress off of me, so I'm sorry if I went a little overboard :)
  
  Actually this has been one of the roughest months for me in a long time.
You see, Monday, the 27th, they get out of prison, and the build up to that
day has been awful, and that day itself is going to be worse. I could write
pages and pages more to you about how this has affected me, but I'll stop
for now.
  
  Basically, the rape has completely made me question life, and what good
there is. And it's made me question our society, our justice system, and
what I ever did in this life, or any life for that matter do deserve this. I
try hard not to sulk in self-pity but it's difficult not to. A lot was taken
away from me that night, my sexuality, my chance for children, my dignity,
my trust in men, and the list goes on and on. 

The light at the end of this story are many.. I have a huge support system
and a very loving family. I love life and when things *do* look bad, I find
ways of dealing with them. I know now that anything is possible.