1991

                                                                                                                                                                                  
Good-Bye To A Friend

  It's been a week since your funeral and I still find myself walking
around in a bit of a daze. You see, you were the first person close to
me to die and it's my first real stab at grief.  Even writing your name
seems strange, almost wrong.  I feel empty inside where you were.  I
hear you and see you in my mind and am awestruck that I won't hear you
or see you again in this life.  I look up the street and expect to hear
your clothesline squeak.  I never understood how you could stand that
squeak when so many other things bothered you. *smile*  I am so glad you
came into my life.  Unknowingly, we learned many things from each other. 
Although the past two years were hard on both of us, we both grew in
ways we never foresaw.  I loved you for the person you were, good and
bad and I think maybe that was a first for you...... and you allowed me
to let the little girl out of me.... until she took over.  I am so sorry
for that, that I could never express it in words.  I am learning to
forgive myself as God has, and maybe you did.
  I really debated going to the hospital to be with you the day you
died.  I was scared people would whisper " what's she doing here?' or "
what's she trying to prove?"  Bernd talked to me and helped me realize I
was trying to take their problems and fears on my shoulders instead of
listening to my inner voice.  Thank God he did..... it seemed that once
I decided I was going, I got an energy serge that stayed with me
throughout the day.  I walked into your room with my head held high,
because I came to visit my FRIEND!!!  When I first sat down next to you
and took your cool hand in mine, I'm sure you could feel me tremble. 
All eyes were on us.  I stroked your forehead and your arm and suddenly
it was just you and me in there.  I could feel a peace between us as I
prayed.  I didn't pray FOR anything, I just prayed.  When you became
semi-conscious and opened your eyes to look around... I stiffened a bit
and held my breath,( not trusting my inner voice again) until you looked
at me, held my gaze and SMILED the words " Hi Lynn" to me.  I stayed
with you, like a sentinel making sure your path to the next life was
made with as much grace and dignity as you had earned and deserved.  You
held my hand until your journey was complete.
  I don't think I have ever felt such peace and grace as I did in the
next hour or so.  Maybe It was shock, but if that's Gods' buffer pad it
is a wonderful thing.  I don't know why I didn't cry then, everyone else
was, but inside I felt I knew something they didn't...... although I
couldn't  consciously put it into words.  
  I have cried since though, but mostly for me, for what I have lost and
for what I have gained in being a part of your life.
  Thank-You for the laughs and the tears dear friend and prepare that
place you are in for the rest of us................ for we will laugh
again.

                                                                          
I Love You
                                                                             
Lynda xxoo